How do you call it when you're in your head?

What was I thinking looking for a sign? As if I've ever seen the stars align. Somebody take over the driving. Somebody notice how I'm trying

I never said it but I know that I
I bury baggage 'til it's out of sight
I think it's better if I hide it. - Gracie Abrams, Camden

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you do, your life never feels like yours? It feels like I’m just a stranger on the outside looking in, always in their field of vision but never seen. Always listening but never heard. And what’s worse is that I can’t blame anyone but myself; I’m always isolating myself from others, always quiet in the corner, too afraid to speak.

I don’t know why, but all my life I’ve felt like I couldn’t speak up. I was always afraid of judgment, too shy, and too insecure to ever speak up. Like most people, I hit rock bottom during the pandemic and didn’t talk to anyone from my school for almost a year. While I know I was incredibly lucky to spend the lockdown with my family, I never felt more alone in my life than in 2020. I was scared of COVID and isolated myself from all my friends; I interacted only with my family. I entered a self-destructive stage where I thought I wasn’t deserving of anything I had—my friends, my family, and my lifestyle.

I was silently asking for help, actually begging for it. I used to have anxiety attacks once a month, and I’m not exaggerating. My parents had already noticed that I needed help or I would probably enter a depressive stage, and I’m so grateful to them for everything they did for me. They held me while I cried, let me get it all out, and never asked any questions I didn’t want to answer. I started going to therapy, and by 2022, my life was a thousand times better. I was more outgoing, pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I made friends that I’ll keep for the rest of my life—people I feel completely safe with. And 2023, my last year of high school, was the best and most bittersweet year of my life. I’m convinced it was the happiest I had felt in so long, but also the saddest because I had to say goodbye to so many amazing people. These people and school were all I ever knew, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to either quite yet. But I had never felt so happy for feeling sad because just three years ago, I would have been totally indifferent. Now I had something that made me sad for leaving.

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” - Winnie the pooh

Even though I’m much more confident today, starting university has brought all these feelings back. I feel like an outsider once again. I don’t talk much and prefer to stay quiet in conversations rather than say what I think. It’s a lot easier to drag myself out of my self-isolation shell now, but I never stop feeling helpless. No matter how much time passes or how much I change, I will always have this terrible feeling that I’m not enough, that nobody wants to hear what I have to say. So it’s better to stay quiet than to bother them with my opinions.

But even after all this time, people still see me as the quiet, shy girl because no one seems to notice how I’m trying to change, how I’m trying to finally stop the self-destructive thoughts that tell me I should just shut up. The changes are too subtle to be seen by anyone other than me, but I just wanted to tell everyone, “I’m trying to do better. Can’t you see that?”

I have always felt that everyone else was living while I was just here, waiting for the wind to take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t care. But I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting my life. I want to enjoy everything this world has to offer while I still can. I want to feel everything deeply, and I want to travel the world and meet new people and cultures. I don’t ever want to feel like I did in 2020 again, and I certainly don’t want to be 80 and regret all the things I didn’t do. I want to stop being scared of sharing my feelings and thoughts. I want to actually live my life without fear and insecurity getting in the way.